Deathstar Beachball S. The Only Thing that Explodes is Everything.

It's been a long half a Mercury Year wait for the latest innovations in Deathstar Beachball technology. Computer processors continue to follow Moore's Law, and device makers are now able to shove 300 trillion transistors into a space the size of an atom's nucleus. This breakthrough has led to an all-new device which was kept under heavy wraps but was launched last week on the Deforestation Moon of Endor. After one week of bottled-up excitement, the Deathstar Beachball S finally hits stores and is available everywhere today, except on Endor which is no more.

- Luke-warm water proof* shell with enhanced deflector shield
- Advanced speaker system with breakthrough technology that allows sound to travel through space
- 3 inches thinner in diameter than the original Deathstar Beachball, and 50% more spherical
- Upgraded anti-matter converter with 100x more joules of energy for a narrower Superlaser beam
- It comes in 2 innovative new colors: Black-Hole Black and Pure Glass - both colors that make it somewhat difficult for customers to locate their devices.
- Added self destruct switch, no larger than a womp rat.
- Thanks to the Death Star's ability to self repair Disney has issued the first N year warranty. Warranty is voided if self destruct button is activated.**

-Starting at $399 (no shell)
-$699999 extra for 256PB harddrive and Deathstar Beachball tungsten shell* * **

-Deathstar Beachball S Locator - Lost your Deathstar Beachball S? Automatically orders a new one for you and has it shipped straight to your door
-dsNet Origin - This first of its kind accessory allows users to fish out their Deathstar Beachball S's from the pool with a beautiful chrome rod with magnetic tip

But despite the beautiful finish and ultra high quality materials used, the Deathstar Beachball is not without its share of complaints. They continue to stick with the same Deathstar model despite the fact that it keeps failing and has a small flaw that causes it to explode unintentionally. Some people are saying that the S stands for Self-destruct, citing issues where their Deathstar Beachball as exploded prematurely. Disney has blamed the manufacturer, Samsung, for this.

With all of these incredible new and innovative features, it's no wonder that the Deathstar Beachball S has sold out worldwide since you started reading this article.


* Water proof falls under the water-resistant category, see ***
** Warranty does not cover water damage, lost or damaged beachballs, beachballs that don't work, no liability coverage, no accidental damage coverage, where N=0
*** Water resistant up to 3ft
**** Ages 7 and up