Amazon Drops Nile Bid; Acquires Amazon for Kindle Strategy

Amazon once again blew away the revenue number for its Q3’34 fiscal quarter, but stunned investors with a 50% drop in profit compared to the year-ago quarter. The drone-maker/cloud-innovator/book-seller, which merged with Lockheed Martin in 2031 and bankrupted Wal-Mart last year, continues to dazzle the growth-oriented cedar fund managers who could not care less about profits. Meanwhile those looking for value have been forced to look elsewhere, as they blew out of the stock in early trading today, sending Amazon shares down 6% to $98 a share.

Amazon recently announced that it is considering using its drone masses to begin transporting people. Airline and space exploration stocks plummeted after the research report was released. However, a new study suggests that Amazon may still require the airlines to be in business for the next few years until it has enough raw materials to 3D print its larger drone form factors. Additionally the company has yet to perfect its drone payment system which human customers have complained is friendlier to other drones than people.

The gigantic storm retailer has also made a bid to acquire the Amazon River in South America for roughly $6B in cash and stock after its plan to purchase the Nile fell through. The river will be used mainly to bolster the company’s new marketing campaign for the upcoming release of the Kindle Rainforest. Rainforest boasts a 6 GHz by 80-core processor capable of rendering glare-free books in the blink of an eye. The rollblet can also be rolled into a cylinder 4 inches in height and 0.4 inches in diameter for easy storage in any pocket.

Finally, the Prime Amazon Web Services division (PAWS) announced that it will be expanding into virtual clothing next month. Amazon will supply digital clothes for an hourly charge to more than 800 million of its Prime subscribers. A statement from JC Penney’s new CEO, Mike Ullman, stated that brick and mortar retail will take a hit from the Amazon threat, but will still be around for years to come.

Over the last 4 years Amazon has undergone 5 stock splits – a method of increasing the share count and reducing the price per share that essentially has no effect on the balance sheet of a company. The company now trades at 285 times next year’s earnings, which is the lowest Price-to-Earnings multiple the company has had in over 25 years.